Resisting the urge

Motherhood. Or parenting….

I love my daughter. Anyone that really knows me, knows I waited 23 years for that precious beautiful girl, she was and is my dream come true. That doesnt make it easy.

I’m 26 years old, and who I was the year she was born and who I am now, well it’s such a HUGE & DRASTIC difference I look back in amazement. I’ve constantly molded myself the last 2.5 years. Everyday I learn something new about her or myself. So I’m thankful for every sleepless night, every time I’m covered in poop, every time she gets sick, I get sick. These are the moments that molded the good times, so I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world. But I really want to talk about some of those dark times. I want to tell you mothers who are alone and busting your asses and the single fathers who are also struggling, YOU’RE NOT ALONE.

My post partum after I had my daughter took a bit to set in. But when it did, it took full force. My friends could tell, my family was worried sick, my spouse at the time was not helpful. He never lifted a finger to help. So I was doing everything. Especially after I went back to work. My daughter wasnt a sleeper you see. She woke up every 3 hours on the dot every single night till she was almost 2 years old. I worked a full time job, I cooked, I cleaned, I took care of her. I was so sleep deprived and spiritually exhausted. I had lost myself in this routine to make it through my every day activities. I was overwhelmed with love In my heart for my daughter and I cant stress that enough. However, there were days where i didnt want to anymore.

I didnt want to move, talk, watch anything, hear anything. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and sleep and cry and do it for hours and maybe days. I would hold her so tightly and ball my eyes out. Wondering if I was doing it right. Was I doing everything ok. She was still breathing. She has always been a happy baby. She ate good. She just never ever slept. And then she started teething…and we got even less sleep and cried a lot. She cried for 4 hours straight one day, full belly, fresh diaper, music and cartoons on. Nothing consoled her. So her and me sat and cried together. I was alone for a long time. Even with my fiance there. Even with her there. Him and I ignored each other most days so all i had was her. But she didnt talk, and she wasnt adult company. All my friends have lives too, work and spouses. Not to mention I was bitter, and sad all the time. I was never good company. Even though I loved having people over. I couldn’t muster up the energy to smile or laugh. I was broken all over. I found time to cry in the shower, in the car between errands, laying in bed at night, on the way to work in the morning. I cried all the time I was so exhausted and so lost. Even with prayer and worship. I was in such a dark place. And sometimes it pulls and tugs on me now, but I look at that sweet Angel’s face and I know I wouldn’t go back and do it any other way. Each moment I sat with her each moment she needed me, even when I felt my worst, and like i wasnt doing anything at all….I was. Holding her, singing to her, loving her. And one day our babies will be grown and maybe the sanity wont set back in, but the love they give us, love joy we will receive when they grow up and remember will be the most rewarding moments. I know because she will run up and just love me, and kiss me and brush my hair out of my face like I do her. She is a reflection of me.

So you’re not alone in those dark insane moments where you want to run and hide. But you’re doing a great job. I know so many wonderful mothers, and fathers. That just drag themselves through the dirt, and I see you. And one day we wont have toddlers and we will get together and have a drink on us for being some badass parents. Because this shit ain’t for the birds, its hard. But look at those faces…its so worth it.

Till next time hot mamas

And papa dukes.

– Suz Q

#parenting #momlife #momminsohard #dads #singleparents #daughters #sons

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