Clarity

So, we have been going over changes and the moves I’ve been making to make things better for my life. I want to give a little background since there are probably a lot of people wondering why I am making these changes or what motivated me to do so.

In 2015 I was a 22 (almost 23) year old woman. I was free, single and working. I stayed up late, I was out drinking, I left the house early to go and do what my heart desired. I was at the peek of my youthful years. That same year I met my ex and I was…hmmm…I don’t know what I was. Confused is now the word I use but then I was head over heels. 6 months into our relationship I ended up pregnant with my bundle of joy. I was a mom, and the pregnancy was full throttle. Morning sickness that rocked me to my core. I couldn’t go anywhere without being horrifically sick. I could only stomach watermelon and pineapple. I was constantly tired and ready to sleep but the insomnia was so bad once I laid down there was no sleeping going on. 9 months and 17 hours down the line my baby girl was here. Those insomnia covered nights turned into no sleep, holding her, calming her, breast feeding her, and the first two weeks were so rough on my nipples I fought the urge to scream like a banshee every time she latched on. I noticed my sleep lessened while her father’s increased. I would wake up every morning for 2 years, tend to her and clean the house and do the laundry and go to the store and when I was done with maternity leave I would work 8 to 10 hours a day, 5 days a week, on top of her and the household chores.I was a single mom in a house engaged to a man who was of no help. Not only was there no help there was no love. No compassion. No touching. We even sat clear across the living room from one another. Now some of you know him and that’s fine. Some things don’t work and our story did not. Everything I’m about to go into isn’t anything he isn’t aware of. So don’t think you’ll be giving him any information he isn’t aware of other than

its now on the internet for all to see. I just wasn’t what he wanted and for some reason we both spent 3 years together. I fought for his attention, I tried to do everything in my power to make him happy. Nothing worked. he slept till 2pm most days and if he didn’t work that day the evenings were dreadful. I couldn’t clean without an argument, I couldn’t have people over, and it got to a point where I didn’t want him home. He would call me names, he would tell me I was a fat ass and that “no one loved me”, how could anyone love me? had I looked at myself?” He would tell me I ruined his life and he hated having me in it. And for some reason I stuck it out because every time I would try to leave he would try and stop me like he cared. He didn’t. He only wanted that control over me. He only wanted me there because he could put the show of being a good husband and a good father. When he was neither. Now he loves our daughter very much but he isn’t attentive, playful or present much. I don’t need to go into grave details of our relationship because you get the point. So here I was. Lost. Suzanne the mom. Suzanne the future wife. That was it. Suzanne had detached herself from anything that was her. I was so focused on trying to fix what didn’t want to be fixed that I had lost myself in my daily duties. Yes I am a Mom but i’m also Suzanne a lover of stars, magic and art. I am Suzanne who sings and dances and gets more paint on herself than the canvas. I had completely gotten lost in the worldly classifications that I didn’t remember to wake up every day and love me instead of depending on someone else to do it. So this year I took the steps to find myself again. I weighed 160 I now weigh 130 the lowest I’ve weighed in 6 years! I had stopped drinking and thriving off Dr. Pepper. I’ve removed most breads and sugars from my diet. I went to the Dr. and got my PCOS and Hypothyroidism on the track to get under control. I’m ready to reclaim what I allowed to be taken from me and that was the power.I hold the Power.I recently did a Tarot Reading with Mrs. Sheri Friedman here in Atlanta. GREAT WOMAN! You need to check out her instagram, facebook and website. Honestly she told me straight up if I want this I need to get up and get going. I can’t let my fears run my life. I need to make business cards; so I did. I need to spread word; so I did! Yes, it made me anxious to think about, but she’s right! I have to get uncomfortable to do things that make me comfortable. This is what I want….GET UP AND DO IT! and you’ll never guess what– I’ve spread the word and I haven’t sold anything yet…but the positive reactions and the word they are spreading is a great feeling and I just know it will take off if I keep making art and I keep advertising and getting word out!What I do makes or breaks what I want in life. What I say and the habits I create…. that’s what creates my surrounding life. It was either go through life letting others decide what’s best for me, including the modern day society telling me I have to have a 9-5 to be successful. ORRRRRRR and that’s a heavy one. ORRRRR I can stand up and get moving and actually do something. My abusive past, my conditioned lifestyle is no longer who I wish to be.I am Suzanne, Mother of 2, artist, blogger, and life changer. In the words of the wonderful Aileen Xu!”you are the artist of your own life!”

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