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Depression is no joke, and understanding you aren’t alone is probably the first thing you need to be aware of.
Let me reintroduce myself.
Hi, My name is Suzanne Galliher and I deal with Chronic Depression and Anxiety Daily. I’m almost 27 years old and have a baby girl and a baby boy, a love of my life and a pup. I work a great job and over all have a wonderful life…..but that doesn’t stop depression.
Today I’m going to share with you my first mental breakdown that I wasn’t aware of until after it occurred.
!!!!!!!!!WARNING: TRIGGERS ARE COMING UP. THIS IS VERY SENSITIVE AND THE VISUALS ILL BE DESCRIBING MAY BE TRIGGERS FOR SOME PEOPLE!!!!!!!
In 2009 I started dating a fuck boy, for privacy purposes we can call him Carlton. I moved from one state to another and moved right in with him. When I first moved in with him we lived in a single wide trailer out in the boonies of North Carolina. Honestly looking back it was a dump, it smelled, it was hard to keep mice out of it due to the location, the floors were hit or miss on where you could walk and when I got there he had a half inflated air mattress against the wall as a “sofa”. But my idiot self thought I was in love, I thought I was going to marry him and we were going to have kids and live happily ever after. HA! Carlton cheated on me numerous times with the neighbor who I’m actually friends with now, he was physically abusive, mentally abusive and verbally abusive, any way he could make me feel small he would. He would leave me at home with no car, no TV, no phone, to go have sex with one of the 12 girls he was sleeping with. Finally, I got a great job and my own car and moved us into a nice apartment on the other side of town away from his side chicks. I was working 2 jobs paying all the bills being adult as fuck at the age of 20…..DAMN I could have been living large. Instead I continued to play house wife with a man who found other women in our area via social media and still slept around. Well one day I thought I would be romantic and bring home dinner and a rent a movie to sit down and love up on my man. NOPE, not on this day I knocked on MYYYY apartment door to greet him in a cute way. I had arrived home hours early from what was suppose to be a long work day. At the time I wasn’t aware that she was pregnant but what ended up being his baby mama opened the door & that was the end of Carlton and me.
Now that you have had the readers digest of that nightmare let me dive in a little on the emotions my 20 year old self went through. Let me tell you how bad I wanted to fix things, how bad I wanted and needed his attention. Firstly when I met Carlton I was at a lifetime low of my life. I moved from GA to NC and abandoned the family I had known my whole life to start fresh. They were obviously hurt by my sudden move so we weren’t on speaking terms. I was really alone in my own head. When he left me by myself I knew he was with other women and it drove me mad. Not the kind of mad where women just flip by screaming and throwing things. I mean I had a psychotic break. I once took a frying pan to my head until it busted open to get his attention, and he walked in after I had just finished the vile job and he saw the blood and told me to clean myself up even after i lied and told him i had fallen an hit my head on the table. He walked right past me and got into the shower. How about the time I walked in on him and one of his women and he threw me across the room and told me the better half of me ran down my mamas leg. Maybe the time i tried to calmly leave like a adult and he pulled me out of a moving car took my keys and threw them on the top of the apartments we were living in. There were times I would go for my daily run and I would wonder if it would kill me to jump in front of a vehicle. I stayed through it all… Why? i have no idea I was a idiot feeding my depression and continuously being conditioned into what he wanted me to be.
I was 20 years old trying to conform to what others wanted me to be. I came to realize that this wasn’t what I wanted from life. I watched the women in my family love and get tormented by the men they gave their hearts too. My biological father being one of those men. To Carlton I was just someone to claim while he did what he wanted, with whoever he wanted, however he wanted. I gave him so much power that their were times he would list off names of the girls he was sleeping with to watch the blood boil in my veins. He loved humiliating me, he would laugh at calling me names and telling me the things they did better and where I was falling short. His Famous line use to be….”if you’re going to constantly be worried about me cheating I might as well be a cheater.” As if I created the problem by being aware of his infidelity.
I left Carlton and it was hard. I was starting a life of my own, I was on a adventure to find out who I was. I was Single for several years before I dated again. I tried to date a really nice guy named Derek after Carlton and Derek was a real gentlemen, but life happens and I wasn’t ready to settle down and I left NC to go back to my GA family I was in Nc from 2010 to 2015.
After Carlton I promised myself I wouldn’t allow another man to take away from me what he did. My independence, my dignity, my self-worth, and more importantly my freedom.
Unfortunately, I didn’t keep that promise to myself, and in 2015 I fell into another trap of the mind. which I will go into next week. The Truth about Post partum.
I Hope todays story resonated with you in some way. I hope it helps you realize you’re not alone. Even in those moments of “I’m bat shit crazy.”
Till next time my darlings!